The reason therapy doesnt work

The reason therapy doesnt work My brothers are always the first people to send an email to say I misinterpreted research that Im linking to. (Which I accept as a love note to let me know they read my posts.)  So last week when my brother sent me a link he thought Id like, he also sent me a summary: There are more men in STEM careers than women, which of course you already know. But the real reason we cant solve the gender gap in STEM careers is shocking. At the time they enter into college, there are actually many more women who are qualified for STEM careers than men. However the majority of qualified women choose to do non-STEM majors in college. While the majority of men who are qualified for STEM careers choose STEM majors. So, it turns out that the researchers have found that the gap between men and women in STEM careers exists because men who are not qualified for STEM careers simply do not go to college.   So, women and men are very similar at STEM, but men not in STEM cannot get into college.  Which means the reason we cant solve the gender gap in STEM careers is not anything people could have ever imagined. Whats striking about this research is weve asked the wrong question. We have been asking why arent women going into STEM, but the truth is women dont want to go into STEM. They go into fields they like. This is a very similar issue to the question of why arent there more women leading companies.  In both cases, we assume that men and women want the same thing, and some nefarious forces make women not as successful in male-dominated fields. In fact, women are in control of their lives and they are making choices they want. So the real question should be why do we celebrate choices men typically make and castigate choices typical of women? Anyway, most of the problems we wrestle with are problems we dont understand. And this is why I think therapy doesnt work. For example, for the last year I have been decorating my new apartment obsessively. Ive been through three sofas and six colors with Maria Killam because I cant bear to pick any paint color without her. She is so famous now that I dont even know if you can talk to her directly any more. But I have known her long enough to send texts like,  Please call me right away. Its an emergency. I only have one hour to pick a new paint color for my living room or I will literally die. My therapist tells me that OCD is not just doing things, its also thinking things. I tell my therapist I think I am OCD about decorating. Like I missed an appointment with said therapist because I couldnt stop looking for a chandelier that would look good against  Palladian Blue.   We get nowhere in therapy. And the next week Im onto a different topic because who cares if its OCD because Im still going to use grocery money to buy picture frames. And anyway we have to talk about why I keep forgetting my appointment time. Is there something that is scaring you about coming here? he asks. Why do I need a therapist to ask me the most obvious question in the whole world? I have been to enough therapy that I can ask that question myself. Thats the whole point the therapist asks you the same types of questions week after week until you internalize the therapists voice and ask the questions yourself. As a person who coaches with no training or certification or whatever, I can ask non-standard questions: Are you gay? Why are you not making more money? What is the point of living there? How much money does your spouse make? When do you think youll have time to take care of kids? I dont feel limited to getting the answers from the person Im coaching. I dont need to say, What is keeping you from getting a promotion? I can just go straight to I can tell your boss hates you. The result is that at the end of the one-hour session every person says some version of, I never imagined that this is what we would talk about, but I really appreciate it. People dont know what they need help with. I didnt realize this until I started coaching people regularly. And recently I realized its me, too. I go to therapy every week and have no idea how to prioritize my problems. After all, if I could see them, I could probably deal with them, too.   Lauren came to visit for three days. Shes my only friend who is a life coach. I used to have a lot of friends who are investors. And when we had lunch I was never sure if I was hanging out with them or pitching them for my next round of funding.  Thats how I feel spending time with Lauren I never know if we are being friends or if she is being my coach. But this time I knew: I told her Im having a really difficult time keeping to a schedule. I wrote our schedules down each of the boys and mine as well. We have every minute of every single day scheduled and still I mess it up. I told her things change too much. Or I have dyslexia for numbers. Or I worry too much. Or the boys dont watch the clock. Everything. Everything is wrong. I tell Lauren this while we walk to the place where my younger son practices piano. But we are late. Because I was on the phone with Melissa. I ask Lauren whats wrong. Each time were late its because you let your emotions build up until its unbearable. You were so upset with Melissa you had to stop everything to call her. Shes right. Its so clear when she says it but I couldnt see it. I can list a lot of problems I have, but I wouldnt have listed that theres no time to be me.   Part of me hates writing this because its so cliched that a working mother of two kids is not making time in the schedule for herself. I hate being so obvious. But what I really hate is not knowing what questions to ask. My life is the STEM gap and the CEO gap and all the other gaps between the questions we ask and the real trouble that we face. I want to make my learning cycle faster by asking better questions. But I think Ive hit a wall. And now I see why so many people are in therapy for years and yet theyre getting nothing done: Therapy only works when we know the questions to bring to the therapist. When we bring ancillary issues to the therapist then we spend all our therapy time on ancillary issues. The best coaching comes from someone who sidesteps the issues we present to them and goes after the issues that matter. So now I know why Im frustrated with therapy: each week we can only talk about the problems I can see. The help each of us needs is to talk about the things we dont see.